Born: May 11, 1981 Gone Too Soon From This World: the Night of January 4/5, 2018
Forever in our hearts
A year ago today a light went out in the world. A year ago today you made the choice to end your life. We didn't know it at the time and wouldn't for several weeks. (Of course that's another story altogether.) That same night something happened that I will never forget.
A year ago today I stood in the bathroom at Whole Foods, staring at my reflection and crying. I felt awful. I looked awful. It was supposed to be our daughter's first ballet class ever. It was supposed to be my first ballet class in nearly 20 years. I'd found a studio with class for our daughter that happened to have an adult ballet class at the same time. I wanted to go, but I didn't want to go. When it came time to get dressed in that Whole Foods bathroom and actually go to the studio I wanted to back out. Was thisclose to backing out. I had no confidence. I was sad. I was depressed. I was afraid.
That night, as I stared into that mirror crying, at what I have come to learn was about the time you left us, a voice inside of me said, "No. No, you are not going to back out this time. This is your defining moment. You HAVE to be brave. You cannot back out. Go. Now."
So I did.
I pushed myself into going into that dance class. 90 painful minutes with a professional teacher from the Louisville Ballet. I hurt the next day. But I'd done it. I faced down my fear of the unknown and something changed inside of me that night. It was the first of many times in the coming weeks that I would have to be brave, face my fears, and stand my ground amidst the swirling chaos, turmoil and trauma that my life would become.
Was that you whispering in my ear, telling me to go that night? To be brave? Telling me that this was my "defining moment"? (Seriously? Defining moment? It was just a ballet class? But in reality it was more, wasn't it?) Was that you knowing what I would be up against in the coming weeks and months and helping me to learn to be brave before being faced with the fall out of losing you forever?