Born: May 11, 1981 Gone Too Soon From This World: the Night of January 4/5, 2018
Forever in our hearts
A year ago today a light went out in the world. A year ago today you made the choice to end your life. We didn't know it at the time and wouldn't for several weeks. (Of course that's another story altogether.) That same night something happened that I will never forget.
A year ago today I stood in the bathroom at Whole Foods, staring at my reflection and crying. I felt awful. I looked awful. It was supposed to be our daughter's first ballet class ever. It was supposed to be my first ballet class in nearly 20 years. I'd found a studio with class for our daughter that happened to have an adult ballet class at the same time. I wanted to go, but I didn't want to go. When it came time to get dressed in that Whole Foods bathroom and actually go to the studio I wanted to back out. Was thisclose to backing out. I had no confidence. I was sad. I was depressed. I was afraid.
That night, as I stared into that mirror crying, at what I have come to learn was about the time you left us, a voice inside of me said, "No. No, you are not going to back out this time. This is your defining moment. You HAVE to be brave. You cannot back out. Go. Now."
So I did.
I pushed myself into going into that dance class. 90 painful minutes with a professional teacher from the Louisville Ballet. I hurt the next day. But I'd done it. I faced down my fear of the unknown and something changed inside of me that night. It was the first of many times in the coming weeks that I would have to be brave, face my fears, and stand my ground amidst the swirling chaos, turmoil and trauma that my life would become.
Was that you whispering in my ear, telling me to go that night? To be brave? Telling me that this was my "defining moment"? (Seriously? Defining moment? It was just a ballet class? But in reality it was more, wasn't it?) Was that you knowing what I would be up against in the coming weeks and months and helping me to learn to be brave before being faced with the fall out of losing you forever?
Happy New Year, m'dears! I hope that you rang in the new year in glorious fashion. I went to bed early and actually enjoyed a full 8 hours of sleep for once. So, now on a full night's sleep, it's time to get this new year underway. And what better way to start it off than with some glorious tunes?!
Music is a huge part of my life. There is ALWAYS music playing in my house. If you peeked through my window you would likely see me with my headphones on and wildly dancing and lip syncing to something or other. Or you might see me with my guitars or kinder lyre or ukulele. In short, I like music.
So, to start off the year right, I am sharing 10 of my favorite songs from my Tunes To Inspire playlist on YouTube. I have made it a habit to listen to these every single morning to get me pumped up for the day. You can listen to the rest of the playlist here. There are actually several more songs on it and they are all sooooo inspirational.
What we listen to and what we tell ourselves is what we are. Make sure the messages you are sending yourself are the right ones. Happy New Year!
I knew my love of bacon would catch up with me one day. And yesterday was the day. Went to a doctor's appointment thinking it would all be status quo. Came away with a new diet plan, blood pressure medicine, Wellbutrin, and orders for all sorts of fun tests.
I have been following a keto diet for well over a year now and lost nearly 40lbs. Great! Except it's not. And it's mostly my own fault. Cured meats, salty pickles, salty olives, salty everything and of course BACON. These have been my go to foods for the last year and a half. And while they were great for getting the weight off, it wasn't so great for my blood pressure. I think the term "sky high" would be applicable. Sigh...
Truth is, I knew better. I knew that even on a keto diet I should be eating more vegetables and less salt. I can't say that keto is necessarily bad, but I will say that if you are considering it, be sure that you are getting what your body needs and not overloading on crap.
So, now it's more vegetables, more fruit, and less salty, cured red meat. I've been almost neurotic about not eating fruit and staying away from carbs and sugar, but now it seems I'm going to have to completely retrain my brain into not being afraid of eating some of the healthy version these things. Oof.
Moral of the story? There are no quick fixes. Eat healthy, stay away from bad carbs and fake sugar. EAT MORE VEGETABLES. Cured meats have a lot of salt and while they are tasty and often a good quick snack, they aren't so great in long run.
That's all I got, y'all. Happy Bacon Day! Take care of yourselves.
For the past 10 plus years I have been writing in some form or fashion. Both professionally and as an amateur. I've written on niche topics ranging from urban homesteading to oilfield life. I've written for blogs and newspapers. Now it's time to write for myself.
In the past year I've experienced trauma that most people can't even begin to imagine. Many people think they know the story. Very few people know the real story. There have been several days as of last that I've just wanted to chuck the whole story of my life in the trash and set sails for new adventures. Leave it all behind and forget. But what purpose would that serve? None.
We are now on the cusp of a new year. New life. New experiences. From here on out, in this place, you will get me and maybe you will even "get me". Stripped down and raw. Without the filter of a niche topic. Real. Are you ready? Am I?